


Babies

by embolalia



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-02-09
Updated: 2003-02-09
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embolalia/pseuds/embolalia
Summary: CJ and Toby deal with Andi's pregnancy- together.





	Babies

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Debate Camp

 

He found her out on one of the terraces, staring into the dark woods. She recognized his footsteps as he moved to join her, and spoke without turning.

"I didn’t really believe you were getting involved with her again. But it makes sense now.”

"Yeah." There was nothing else Toby could say. "And we were so close."

"Yeah. Congratulations, though. You wanted this." CJ couldn’t quite make herself sound happy. She turned to look at him and he saw in her eyes that she had had the same hopes as he for when the administration ended, in four months or four years. Her face grew pained, and he reached out to comfort her.

"Hey, we’ll still be friends."

"That’s the thing, though, Toby, and you know it. We won’t be."

"It’s different this time CJ! She knows that nothing will happen. Even if she didn’t know it before, Andi knows both of us. And our scruples."

"I don’t want to be the other woman, Toby." Her eyes were sad.

"You never were," he reminded her firmly.

"I don’t want to want to be," she whispered. Their gazes caught, and Toby was stunned by how terribly he wanted to hold her when she looked at him like this.

"What do you want?" he asked softly, as romantic as he got.

She looked away. "I want what I can’t have." She sensed him moving closer, and looked up as he leaned toward her. She tilted her mouth toward his in the instant before her brain could take over, and their lips met. Heat flooded her, dizzyingly. Their arms wound around one another instinctively, and their lips sealed in a kiss that consummated so many years of longing.

 

~~~

 

"Jed," Abbey whispered with an embarrassed grin, glimpsing a couple embracing on the terrace as she and her husband returned from their stroll in the moonlight.

"Get a room!" he called, to embarrass her further. Abbey smacked him on the arm and then stopped walking in shock as two faces turned toward them, the faces of two people anguished both at their parting and at their embrace being discovered by the one man they both respected most in the world.

"Oh, Jed," Abbey whispered again. She could sense the change in him beside her, his sorrow at his teasing.

"I’ll take him, you take CJ," he muttered, and she bridled at his busybody-ing, although she couldn’t fault it.

"Toby!" he called, raising his eyebrows in a clear expression of summoning. Toby looked into CJ’s eyes, bright with starlight and sorrow that mirrored his own, and turned to walk toward the president. Abbey joined CJ on the terrace.

 

~~~

 

The president led Toby toward the top of the path he and the first lady had come from and stopped just beyond sight and sound of the women.

"What are you doing with my daughter, Toby?" he asked, a threat implicit in his voice. Toby met his eyes. Jed suddenly regretted his tone, realizing the sadness in Toby’s eyes and all that it implied. He’d also never had much success in ‘disciplining’ Toby.

"With all due respect, sir..." Toby trailed off. There was no way out.

The president suddenly remembered the news he’d been discussing with Abbey minutes before, and anger flashed through him.

"Your wife is pregnant, Toby, what did you think you were doing with CJ!?"

"Sir...Andi is not my wife, nor would I want her to be except that we’re having children together. And as to me and CJ, well, that’s your fault."

 

~

 

"Oh, Claudia Jean." Abbey offered, reaching out to stroke CJ’s hair as they sat down on the terrace bench. The younger woman looked on the verge of tears. "I’m sorry we...interrupted you."

"No, we shouldn’t have..." The words tore themselves from CJ’s throat. She wanted so badly for them not to be true.

"You know Andi’s pregnant, then?"

"We waited so long Abbey. We were so close..."

"What do you mean?" the first lady asked, confused. She’d never suspected CJ and Toby had expressed any of their feelings to each other until tonight.

"We met nearly fourteen years ago," CJ shook her head, smiling at the memory. "We were working on a bad campaign together, I don’t even remember for whom, and we were so...equal. Not in thought, but in ability to think, and I was so drawn to him. We- kissed several times, and it was incredible. But then, we stopped. It was hard, but we knew we couldn’t work together and be a couple..."

 

~

 

"But, sir, she ended up on the opposite coast from me when we lost, though still my best friend. And then Andi came into my life. And she was-," Toby froze at what he had nearly said, yet recognized its truth even though he had never before articulated it to himself, even in thought. Rather than lie to the man before him, he said the words out loud. "She was a good replacement."

"God, Toby," Jed said, disgustedly.

"I did love her. And then CJ came back. It was still there, but we pointedly ignored it. Andi didn’t see that; she saw what we couldn’t repress, the littlest things, and made too much of them. We were already having infertility problems, and Andi was stressed, and she demanded I choose. We were married. I chose her, and CJ left my life again."

 

~

 

"I still find myself jealous that he chose her over me. It’s irrational, but so be it. And then he invited me back again- for the campaign. It’s been between us these last four years, there are moments when I see it in his eyes, and I know he can see it in mine. I mean, we fight and we debate and we rarely agree, but we fit. I don’t- I can’t describe it."

"I know what you mean," Abbey said simply, glancing toward where Jed and Toby had gone. CJ nodded.

"Anyway, neither of us has made any true efforts at a serious relationship with anyone else." CJ stopped her story.

"And now he has to be with Andi again?" the first lady asked gently.

"Yes. He’s a gentleman when he wants to be, god knows."

 

~

 

"So you know, Toby, I still don’t get how it’s ‘all my fault’," the president said, trying to lighten the mood.

"It is, sir. Because if either of us had loved working in your house any less, enough less to sacrifice a moment of our time there, we would have been together years ago, and this thing with Andi would be too late. God! Even if she’d waited six months and we’d lost..."

"You do want to win though, right?" Bartlet asked. He’d meant it sarcastically, but Toby’s sadness was making him wonder suddenly. Toby paused a moment before answering.

"Sir, I assumed that once we stepped down, I’d have CJ forever, so it was alright to wait. But I’ll admit that there was an impatient part of me that wouldn’t have minded if she and I could have celebrated our freedom in four months. Four years would have been alright too, though. Now..."

"Yeah. Although the way I see it, I brought you two together."

"Ok, sir," Toby nodded, composed enough again to roll his eyes rather than point out the flaws in his boss’s logic.

"No joke, though. Now you’re going to marry Andi?"

"Or leave my children without a permanent father? Yes, sir. Kissing CJ was just...the beginning of our goodbye." At the sight of Toby closer to tears than the president had ever seen him, Bartlet looked away and nodded sadly.

"Alright, then. I’m going in."

"I’ll be here," Toby murmured and turned his gaze to the dark wood while the president left him to his thoughts.

 

~

 

"So now what?"

"I honestly don’t know, ma’am. I’ve been alone for so long, except for flirtations. Not that I could have dated anyone and do what I’ve done. But I always assumed that we’d leave office and Toby and I would..."

"Be together?" Abbey offered.

"Yes, ma’am." A tear slid down her cheek. Another followed. CJ brushed them away impatiently, and rose. "If you’ll excuse me, Abbey, I’m going back to my cabin."

The first lady nodded and watched CJ’s back sadly as the other woman moved down the path.

 

~~~

 

She needed to kiss him again, to hold him again, however briefly, to see if what they were losing was truly so incredible. After so long as friends and colleagues and opponents she’d wondered at times if it would still be there, if they were holding out for nothing. But it was.

There was a knock at the door. She opened it without pause, and there he stood. CJ stepped back and he followed, closed the door, and they were in each other’s arms again. Their passion had only been intensified by the brief reminder of their imminent parting, and their arms clung the tighter for it.

Forgetting Andi for the briefest of moments, CJ and Toby made love as they had longed to do for so many years. The contact was all the more necessary because each knew they would soon be separate, and might never be with someone they loved so truly again.

 

~~~

 

In the early hours of the morning, Toby cradled CJ against his chest as they drifted in and out of sleep. Despite all the work that lay ahead of them that day, they had not wasted a moment of the few precious hours they had claimed for themselves from the Fates. He released her gently and went quietly into the bathroom, showered. CJ watched through slitted eyes as he went through all the daily ministrations she had never witnessed and would never witness again. She rose from their bed as he dressed to go. At the door, he stopped and turned to her.

They had discussed the situation the night before, and both knew that the path that lay before them was the one that also lay behind.

"I’m so sorry." Toby whispered to her, his hand on the doorknob.

"I know." CJ couldn’t find any other words. ‘I love you’ were the ones she wanted most to say, to scream, to wail. The few words they had never exchanged, but it would have hurt too much even to whisper them. "Goodbye," she managed.

"And we thought it was hard to stop kissing..." Toby murmured, spewing words to keep the moment from ending. CJ only nodded lest her tears flow.

Toby’s lips pressed toward hers, and she met them in a kiss that held as much potential as any they had shared, yet that potential was dead. It had to be.

"Goodbye," he whispered back, meeting her eyes, screaming silently his pain, and left.

 

 

2 Months Later

 

She’d been feeling ill since the wedding. It had been a simple service; the couple was not ready for a religious argument like they had had over their first wedding. There would be time enough for that when the twins were old enough for Sunday school.

He had asked hesitantly if she wanted to come and she’d nearly said no, but CJ had wanted to show Andi that she felt nothing about their wedding. She hadn’t. Her heart had ached and her eyes had burned so badly as she watched Toby slide the ring onto his wife’s finger, watched him gaze into Andi’s eyes and kiss her gently. But CJ’s were not the sort of tears one cries at weddings.

Suddenly, she’d felt nauseous as well, and she left as soon as the service ended. Still ill, CJ had made only a token appearance at the reception, congratulating Andi and pleading the flu to the pregnant woman. As she’d hugged Andi, the other woman had whispered, ‘I’m sorry’. And part of what hurt was that CJ knew she was; neither Andi nor Toby were in love with each other anymore, and they faced a lifetime isolated from serious relationships with anyone else.

CJ couldn’t have faced Toby then, and she didn’t meet the gaze she could feel on her as she left.

She’d attributed the sickness to emotional upheaval, but when it didn’t subside after four days, CJ began to have a sinking feeling she didn’t have the flu. And last night, she’d taken the test. Knowing was worse.

 

*******

*Commercial Break*

Initially I was going to stop here and continue in a sequel. Suspense is a fun toy J. Carry on...

*******

 

~~~

 

"Abbey, can I come in?" Late in the evening a few days after she realized her pregnancy, CJ stuck her head in the open door to the first lady’s office.

"Sure, CJ, what’s up? Have they sent you to tell me what to say for them again?" FLOTUS was in high spirits.

"No ma’am." Uncertain, CJ entered and took the indicated seat before speaking again. "Abbey, I have to ask you a personal question."

"Ask away, but you know how Jed feels about that." CJ could hear the steel creeping into the first lady’s voice that always appeared when she felt politics were delving too deep into her life, and CJ quickly explained herself further.

"Not about you, about me."

"Is everything alright?" Abbey’s instant concern was written in her expression.

"Abbey, I- I need an abortion." Abbey froze. A blind date she might have seen CJ asking for, but this...Her mind flickered back across the months and memories clicked into place that made her gasp with worry for her friend’s predicament.

"Toby."

"Yes, ma’am." CJ was whispering now.

"God, sweetie."

"Yes ma’am." This was more forceful.

"How sure are you?"

"I took the test, I know-"

"I meant about the abortion," Abbey interrupted, looking hard at CJ, who wouldn’t meet Abbey’s gaze but was rather staring at her own hands twisting nervously in her lap.

"What else can I do?" She looked up, bitter, for the first time since her request. "This is a place I’ve worked toward all my life, and I’ve got nowhere to turn and no way to keep everything I’ve achieved and have this baby." Abbey nodded, and they sat quietly for a moment as the first lady tried to find a valid alternative to offer her friend. At last she took a deep breath and offered an admission rather than advice.

"I’ll tell you something, CJ, something not even Jed knows." CJ looked startled at this, but the first lady began her story before CJ could say anything.

"I thought about having an abortion when I got pregnant with Elizabeth." As the words seemed to echo through the room Abbey reflected that they’d only just been said out loud for the first time. CJ was focusing on her very hard.

"I was in my last year of medical school, with my residency ahead of me, and Jed was being published and had little enough time for our marriage, let alone for a baby. I know it wouldn’t have been Catholic," she could see as she said this that CJ flinched at the mention of the religious issue, "but Jed wouldn’t have known and it would have made everything so much less complicated...And then I realized that I wanted his baby, and that this was going to be our life together, and we made it work CJ."

"Toby and I won’t. He’s married, and in it for keeps this time." Abbey flinched in sympathy at the pain in CJ’s voice.

"That’s not my whole story, though, Claudia Jean." She paused to make sure the other woman was still listening, "my girls have given me more joy than anything and everything else in my life. More than Jed, even. Joy, and laughter, and grandchildren- there’s nothing like it in the world. You just have to know what you’re giving up." She could see in CJ’s face that she was getting her point across, though she couldn’t help but wonder if it was truly the right choice for her friend. Being single, pregnant and politically prominent was never a good combination.

"Just think about it more, sweetie, and if you still want this, I’ll help you set it up as best I can."

"Thanks, Abbey." CJ looked pensive but relieved. "You’ll keep this to yourself, I hope?"

"Can my husband know?" Abbey asked the question simply, for she and Jed rarely hid things from each other, but the look of shame on CJ’s face made her regret asking. "Don’t look like that, Claudia. You and the man you love made a new life. He won’t see anything wrong with that, and neither do I." It was her firm conviction more than her words that convinced CJ, although the prospect of destroying the ‘new life’ Abbey spoke of suddenly made CJ feel ill.

"Tell him, then," she murmured and, rising, left. As the door closed, Abbey leaned back in her chair, wondering how to ease to her husband the horrible news of how their children were breaking each other’s hearts worse with every passing moment.

 

~~~

 

At a sharp knock on his door, Toby raised his head- slowly, for he’d slept poorly at the office the night before to avoid the inevitable awkwardness between himself and Andi. In his doorway stood the President’s secretary.

"Debbie!" he said, surprised to see her out of the oval office.

"That’s Mrs. Fiderer to you, and I’m only here because the other secretaries have all gone home by now, Charlie too, and you are apparently unable to answer a phone."

"I’m sorry...I’m out of it tonight," he muttered at her biting tone.

"Well, that comes from not sleeping at home." Toby wondered to himself where this woman got her information, but she was continuing, "but at least you’re here now, the president would like to see you."

 

~

 

Toby stumbled into the President’s private office a minute later on the heels of his imperious secretary, who then left them alone. The president was turned, staring furiously out the window.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" Jed turned to gaze at Toby as intently as he had the snow.

"There’s a secret I’m sworn to keep, Toby." His eyes narrowed, and Toby wondered if he was supposed to guess the secret. "And it involves you." Toby waited for the other shoe to drop, but it didn’t yet. "I can’t say- anything, really, but tomorrow, you have to talk to CJ."

"About what, sir?"

"Just talk to her, Tobias. That’s an order." Toby stared at the president, uncomprehending, but Jed turned back to the window, clearly dismissing his guest.

"Goodnight, sir," Toby murmured and headed home, knowing he’d need to be well rested if he was going to get a secret out of CJ.

 

~~~

 

CJ opened her door and turned to shout for Carol as she slung the bag on her shoulder into her office. She was startled to hear the couch grunt in pain as the bag fell onto it, and swung the door wide, flashing the lights on.

"Ah! CJ, bright." Toby muttered, squinting up at her.

"What are you doing in my office?" she demanded. She’d hoped to avoid him awhile longer, for he was sure to notice her emotional upheaval.

 "I was told there’s something important that I need to discuss with you, CJ. What is it?" Toby’s voice was simmering with worry beneath its calm.

CJ hung up her coat and moved her bag to her desk as anger flashed through her at Abbey’s betrayal. Then she realized what had happened. "The President told you?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I only told Abbey."

"But told her what?"

"I asked her to help me get an abortion." CJ watched Toby’s face as he flinched from her harsh tone and then realized what she meant. She expected the shock, and the fear perhaps, that he would experience about his marriage, but she was awed at the blinding happiness that filled Toby’s face as he came to understand that the woman he loved was pregnant with his child. And then the protection and hatred he felt about any threat to his baby. Watching him react, CJ thought that she should have foreseen this, that she’d seen him react this way to attacks on Andi and the twins, but she hadn’t foreseen it, and therefore hadn’t prepared for the longing to let him protect her that she suddenly felt.

"You can’t," Toby said simply. CJ’s defenses rose.

"Well, I can if I chose-"

"CJ! This is our baby. How can you-"

"But I’m not." Toby stopped at her words.

"What do you mean?"

"Abbey said something to me, and I’m not going to have the abortion."

"Thank God," Toby sighed, and she nodded. "So, what are we going to do?" CJ braced herself for harder words than she ever remembered having to say.

"We’re not doing anything. I’m leaving. I’ll announce that my father is ill and I have to move home to care for him, and everyone will accept it. And I can raise my child in Ohio."

"I can-" Toby started, but he couldn’t.

 

~~~

 

He watched, the next afternoon, from the doorway of the briefing room as she gave her last briefing. The press expressed their sorrow at her father’s condition and her departure, and she wittily assured them that she would make sure someone besides Josh would brief until her replacement could be found. Only Toby knew that CJ was giving up everything she’d ever worked for to reach for a future she could barely imagine. As she finished the day’s news, Josh and Sam came running up behind Toby.

"Did you know she was going to do this?" Josh demanded.

"Yes," Toby said simply. Josh and Sam stared as his calm face.

"What don’t we know?" Sam asked, as he and Josh began to breathe more normally.

"Just support her," Toby said softly, wishing he were alone and far, far away from the pain of losing CJ after all they’d been through. Josh and Sam nodded agreement to his words.

 

~

 

CJ had seen Josh and Sam arrive through the doorway, and she braced herself for their questions as she left the podium, walked toward them and closed the door behind herself. They didn’t question her, though, they just hugged her hard and she felt for the first time that things would be all right.

 

~~~

Dayton, Ohio

 

A week and a half later, CJ lay in her narrow bed in the house she’d grown up in. Her father had welcomed her back without question, and though he’d been upset at her news, he’d forgotten by the time she mentioned it to him a few minutes later. She’d left amidst tearful goodbyes to Carol, Josh and Sam, had been given the President’s blessing, and had managed to meet Toby’s eyes before he withdrew into his office to cry alone. The press had accepted her story, Abbey had promised to send her all the girls’ old baby furniture that she would need and to find her a doctor, and Leo had, without question, arranged for her to get a job at a local Emily’s List after she’d had a year or so to settle in. Sliding her hand down to her still-flat belly, she whispered to her baby, Toby’s baby, inside, "We’re okay now. We are."

 

 

The West Wing- 6 months later

June 6, 2003

 

"Toby, I've got Mr. Cregg on the phone, and he sounds really upset," Ginger said, from the door of the oval office. Toby and the President instantly looked up at her in fear.

"At my desk Toby," the President said immediately. Toby picked up the phone.

"Sir? Sir, calm down. Is CJ okay?" Toby paused for a long time. Josh and Sam glanced at each other worriedly at Toby’s question, then at the President, who shook his head at them.

"Oh God...Do you know- I'm sorry sir, do you know what hospital?...Alright, I'll be on the next flight, and I'll call you as often as I can." Toby turned to the President to demand time off but the other man spoke first.

"Go take care of her, Toby. That's an order."

"What wrong with CJ?" Josh interrupted Toby's thanks. Toby and the President looked at each other, then at him.

"She's having a baby," Toby said matter-of-factly, "Thank you, sir." He left hurriedly, Josh and Sam staring at his back, each other, and then the President.

"Their business only," the President ordered them, and then they understood.

 

~~~

 

 _It’s too early, it’s too early_...Toby repeated over and over to himself as the plane carried him not fast enough over the landscape. He was ashamed to realize that he didn’t know CJ’s due date, but it was about three weeks after Andi’s and she still had two weeks to go.  _Andi._  That was a sobering thought. He’d called her from the airport as his flight was called to tell her that he had to address an emergency for the president and wouldn’t be home for a few days. Toby wondered if she’d even heard him. His happiness about his twin sons was unabated, though tempered by his other child, but his marriage was a less happy topic. Busy arranging for her maternity leave and the myriad of things to be done before she left and then for when the babies came, Andi had not been anymore Toby’s wife since their wedding than she had been before. And Toby didn’t mind, as long as he didn’t think of the other woman he could have had.  _The other woman. The one thing she didn’t want to be, and now, in my mind if not Andi’s, she always will be._

Toby’s thoughts grew more and more wretched as the miles fled beneath him and his concern deepened. The thought struck him suddenly that at this very moment he might be a father. Without pause he keyed in the exorbitant price to use the plane-phone. This was nothing like Air Force One. CJ’s cell phone rang, rang, ran-

"Hello?"

"Who is this?"

"Michael Cregg, who’s this?"

"Michael, it’s Toby Zeigler," Toby told CJ’s brother. He was met with silence and knew that Michael had at least guessed the father of his sister’s baby. "Michael, how- I need to know how she is."

"Her water broke early and she’s having the baby. They say it’s turned the wrong way, but she’s still okay and they don’t want to do a C-section yet." Michael spoke quickly, his speed belying his fear and Toby’s heart raced.

"I’m on a plane, I’ll be there as soon as I can." Michael was silent again as Toby confirmed his guesses. "Tell her...just wait for me."

"Right." The hint of sarcasm that Toby was suddenly someone to hold the delivery for was not lost on the soon-to-be father, and he ended the conversation with a sadness that calmed his worry. Whatever this child’s future was, there was no way he could be part of it.

 

~~~

Dayton, Ohio

 

"Toby?" CJ’s father asked questioningly as Toby entered the hospital waiting room two hours later.

"Yes sir, you called me?"

"Oh..." The man continued to look confused and Toby turned to Michael for answers.

"She’s in the delivery room. You can go in with her, if you want."

A nurse, watching, helped Toby to get scrubs and led him into the sterile smelling room where all he could see was CJ, pale and sweaty, her face clenched tight in pain and then surprise as she saw him. There were questions in her eyes for a moment, but then her body went rigid in the end of the contraction and their emotions were put on hold so she could have the relief of the arm around her, a wall of support.

Toby tried not to think how right it felt to be helping her to breathe, to control her body, and yet how wrong that he’d only practiced this with Andi. He wondered if CJ had even learned Lamaze, how she had prepared, but couldn’t think how to ask. They were a good team nonetheless, as ever.

 

~

 

CJ pillowed her head against Toby’s shoulder for a moment between contractions, grateful for his presence.

"So, have you picked out names?" he whispered. She bridled at the thought that he would try to suggest some now but then realized he was not, in fact, assuming any rights of fatherhood. The thought threatened to clutch at her heart, but it was busy making a baby.

"It’s a girl," she whispered back, remembering that she hadn’t told him. Toby gazed at her, stunned. This was real. In a few hours he would have- not a baby, but a daughter.

"What will you call her?"

"I was thinking- I think Abbey." Toby smiled at the rightness of it.

"Of course. Abigail Ziegler." He winced as CJ’s eyes grew sad.

"No. Cregg."

"Right." Their eyes met in shared pain for a moment before it was forced away by the next contraction.

 

~

 

And then there she was. A beautiful little girl, lying in CJ’s arms. All the pain was suddenly forgotten, meaningless, because the end was this incredible new life. CJ blessed both Abbeys silently for giving her this moment.

Abigail Ann Cregg, read the birth certificate. Mother: Claudia Jean Cregg. Father: Tobias Zachary Ziegler. He’d insisted on it above the unspoken protests in her eyes. It was the last thing he could give to the two girls whom he loved most in the world at that moment.

 

~~~

 

Toby did everything he could over the next two days. The second day after the delivery, CJ was allowed to return home, with her father and brother maintaining a watchful distance as Toby guarded his beloved and their child. As CJ rested between the diaper changings he could help with and the feedings he couldn’t, Toby told her of the West Wing, colorful anecdotes that made her miss her friends and yet laugh at how ridiculous they could be. The President and first lady and the boys had called to congratulate them unreservedly, and CJ had basked in the renewed connections to her friends. Their love was not spoken of, but was always present, and for the first time in their relationship, they were at peace with it. They joked and talked and held their child and communicated in so many of the ways of love without needing to say the words, simply acknowledging their truth in all the ways married people do. And then it was time for Toby to leave.

 

~

 

Abbey had finally fallen asleep. Toby couldn’t imagine how anyone could manage a baby alone, and thanked God that CJ would have help. He looked down at the baby in the basinet with a smile, then moved toward the bed where CJ lay watching him. He picked up one of CJ’s swollen feet and began to rub.

"Umm... I wish I’d had you a week ago, they were carrying a lot more weight then," she joked, then she opened her eyes when he paused and she realized there was no joke in her words.

Sinking down on the bed beside her, Toby held CJ closely.

"You did marvelously," he whispered.

"I’ll just have to keep it up," she whispered back, glancing at the basinet to make sure she wouldn’t wake Abbey. "For every second of the rest of my life, I’ll be a mother, Toby," she added in awe.

He smiled into her hair even as his eyes stung with tears at the thought of not witnessing the rest of this metamorphosis of his best friend and lover into the mother she was becoming as well and of leaving the family he already cherished incomplete. CJ pulled back to brush his tears away.

"I’m sorry," he murmured.

"Don’t be. Toby, Abbey is...us. You and me, together. I’m not lonely anymore. If I can’t have you, at least I won’t be alone-" Toby pulled her into a fierce kiss to quell the words, trying to communicate how perfect and right this was, how much his heart didn’t want for her to be without him, how angry he was at the universe for this...At last he pulled back, carefully heeding the doctor’s warning about what ‘he and his wife’ could and could not do, though all that he wanted to savor what was perhaps the sixth time he’d been allowed to kiss CJ unabashedly. Something more urgent struck him.

"What will you tell her when she asks about her father?"

"That I loved him dearly," said CJ, firmly, completely thoughtlessly. She flinched at the pain in his face at her admission.

Toby spoke no more, but held her more tightly, quiet now, and in their last moments together, they slept.

 

 

From here on, this becomes a choose-your-own-adventure story. J You get to pick if they should end up together or not. So read one or both, and let me know what you think.

 

 

The "Happy" Ending: In Which CJ and Toby End Up Togther

 

 

The West Wing

June 19, 2003

7:53pm

 

"Toby?" Ginger called down the hall.

"Yeah?" he shouted back, turning to face her as he paused on his way to Josh’s office.

"It’s Andi’s doctor." Toby froze. She’d seemed alright that morning, but there were only a few days left until her due date, and they were both on edge. At any rate, she’d seemed distant, irritated, since he’d taken the trip to Ohio for CJ’s delivery, though he’d told her it was business, and it was possible she hadn’t mentioned that she felt close.

"Toby?" Ginger’s repeated shout jarred Toby out of his flash of thoughts, and he half-ran toward her, grabbing the phone.

"This is Toby Ziegler."

"Toby," the doctor said slowly, "there’s been an accident. Can you come to the hospital?"

 _Of course,_  Toby heard himself say,  _I’ll be right there._  But all that registered in his mind was the frantic beating of his heart because something had happened to his sons while he’d been thinking about his daughter, and he might never see them.

 

~~~

 

Twenty minutes later, Toby rushed into the George Washington Hospital Emergency Room, Josh calling after him that he would park the car. The nurse at the desk took his name and asked him politely to wait in the chairs. Andi was in the ER. Toby was not in the mood to politely do anything, but sat.

After a while, Josh came and sat too.

 

As the hours went by, doctors and nurses came to tell Toby and Josh, then Toby and Sam, then Toby and Ginger, about how Andi was weak but alive, as were the boys, about she had lost a lot of blood, but the boys torso was alright, about how the Caesarian section would be done when Andi was strong enough if he’d just sign here, but he couldn’t be there. That last doctor visit managed to rouse Toby somewhat, with the thought that babies were supposed to be born the way Abbey had. The rest of his mind was absorbed in the thoughts of how he should have taken care of Andi, his wife, not let her drive to work anymore, should have insisted on protecting her, but he’d been with CJ- how he should have been stronger, chosen and stuck to his choice-

"Mr. Ziegler, your wife is awake." The nurse was bending over him where he slouched in his chair, now outside surgery.

He followed the nurse quickly, almost overtaking her except that she had to lead him. They turned a corner, and she opened the door for him.

There lay Andi, pale, covered in blood and sweat, looking at him with terrified eyes. He went to her, took her hand, smiled as much as he could.

"Toby," she whispered.

"Andrea," he said softly.

"Toby...I’m sorry." He shook his head.

"Don’t say that, you’ll be just fine." But they both knew that wasn’t what she’d meant. "You will be." Toby looked down at her body, then up at the wall. Counted his breaths as they came in, out, in, out. Toby couldn’t quite make out Andi’s body well in the dim light against the blankets but it looked wrong. He wasn’t so sure anymore.

"Take good care of them," she was whispering, "take good care of our boys."

"We will," Toby said, firm in his denial, " _we_  will."

Andi looked up at him sadly, squeezed his hand, closed her eyes.

The monitor beside the bed went high-pitched as the heart rate line went flat, and doctors and nurses pushed Toby back as they rushed to help Andi. The nurse who’d led him in pulled him out with sad eyes, telling him that they’d do their best, but that she had such low chances that the babies were the priority if he’d just sign here; they’d do the C-section now that she’d been too weak for before. Toby signed numbly, watching the commotion in Andi’s room through the glazed window, unable to imagine how all this could end.

 

~

 

An hour later the nurse came to tell him that he had two lovely sons, but their mother didn’t make it. Toby stared at her passively, solemn in his panic and anguish. The boys could go home soon if he could get ready. If he wanted, they could help find someone to nurse the babies. Toby’s mind woke up. Someone to nurse the babies.

 

~~~

 

Dayton, Ohio

June 20, 2003 1:19 am EST

 

CJ looked down at Abbey, cradled against her shoulder, asleep. She smiled. At last, Abbey was sleeping. The two-week old baby was on an intermittent schedule, and her mother was slowly going insane.

The phone rang, and Abbey’s eyes opened. Finding herself in her mother’s arms, she didn’t cry, but looked about alertly.

 _Damn it_ , CJ thought at whoever was calling. This was just what she needed. Carrying Abbey awkwardly, she rushed to get the phone.

"Hello?" All she could hear was heavy breathing, sobbing.

"Whoever this is, it isn’t nice to call people who are trying to sl-"

"CJ." Toby’s voice was a cry.

"What’s wrong?" she asked in an instant. His was quiet as he found the words, and CJ grew more and more frantic.

"There was an accident. Andi- Andi’s dead." Through CJ’s demands Toby was quiet with what he had to ask.

"The boys are alright. Andrew and Benjamin. But, CJ...they need to be nursed." Abbey’s hands at her breast reminded CJ of what Toby meant.

"Toby..."

"CJ, I don’t mean for this to sound...like I’m taking advantage of her death," he was whispering, "but if you came, and we said she had triplets, you could help me raise them if your father was better..."

 

~~~

 

7:19 am EST

 

CJ followed Josh quickly as he navigated her through the corridors of the hospital, glancing back every now and then in awe at the car seat she was carrying. Abbey had slept, mercifully, for most of the flight. They stopped in front of a hospital room in the maternity wing, and he gestured her inside.

 

In the room, Toby lay dozing on a bed while his sons lay in their tiny crib-carts. He’d forbidden the nurses from taking them away, and in sympathy they’d allowed him to keep the boys with him. Hearing the door creak open again, he sat up to tell them he could indeed monitor the babies if only they could stay, but it was CJ and Abbey. Josh discretely closed the door, leaving them alone with the children. CJ held Toby hard as he stood to meet her, in empathy, not romance.

"Are these them?"

He smiled for the first time in what felt like days. "Yes. My boys. Benny and Andy." The name made him wince, and he wondered if it was too soon for the nickname. CJ smiled down at them.

"I think you’ll quickly find that babies are much cuter when they’re sleeping." On cue, Benny opened his eyes and yawned, then began to whimper. Toby lifted him carefully from the bassinet and rocked gently.

"He needs to be fed," Toby said questioningly. She hadn’t definitively answered him on the phone earlier, though the fact that she had come seemed a good sign. Now she confirmed it as she began to unbutton her shirt and sat on the bed. Looking up at him with a smile, she reached out her arms.

For a moment, Toby clung to the baby with concern, glancing at Abbey where she slept. "Just one thing, CJ." She raised her eyebrows in question. "Will you love her more?" She opened her mouth to answer quickly, then paused to weigh the question, glancing at her daughter.

"They’re all your babies, Toby. And now mine too." They smiled at each other faintly in the happiness that could be seen at the end of the dark shadow Andi’s death had thrown across their path. At least it was there.

 

 

Washington D. C.

One year later

 

"Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, as long as you both shall live?" Oh yes, CJ thought, this was what she had dreamt of jealously after Toby and Andi’s wedding.

She gazed at him. A quiet cry distracted her and she glanced over his shoulder at where Abbey Bartlet was managing little Abbey, Andy and Benny during their parents’ wedding. She looked frantic enough, and she’d only had them for a few minutes. Over the past year, Toby and CJ had been driven to distraction themselves trying to manage the babies, but at their first birthday party a week before, they’d all survived the adventure well enough to mash cake in their hair. CJ looked back at Toby. He’d noticed her momentary distraction and smiled affectionately at her motherly side. This was exactly the woman he wanted to marry.

"I do," she recalled herself to say, softly, firmly, forever.

"As do I," Toby cut off the priest. The man grinned at him.

"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Toby did, to applause and a sudden wail. Their kiss broke with a laugh and CJ and Toby grinned at one another. All was right with the world.

 

 

The Less Happy Ending: In Which They Don’t

 

 

*One year later*

 

# CJ, we’ve scheduled an overnight in California, near you. We’ll be there tomorrow night, alright?

 

They were delighted with the baby, and with her. In the time since Abbey’s birth, CJ had drawn immense support from the reaffirmed friendships with her long-time comrades. With her best friend, however, there had been no contact. News of her child had been carefully contained to the White House, to which CJ had not returned. Unwilling to see Toby too soon, she’d forgone even Josh and Amy’s wedding, though she’d shared in Donna’s heartbreak for many tearful hours over the phone. But now, she was forced to see Toby anyway.

 

~~~

            

Watching Sam and Josh greet the baby they knew only from pictures was adorable. Then Toby entered, her house and her life, slashing open old wounds with merely a greeting.

"I’ll get drinks," she’d whispered, and now she stood in the kitchen, awkward.

"CJ!" She rushed to the doorway at Josh’s call.

Her heart beat frantically with a mother’s fear until she saw that Abbey stood freely beside the couch, facing Toby, smiling. She took a first step, toward him, another, patent glee in her small face that she could walk like Mama. She nearly fell, but Toby swooped her up, spinning her around, praising her, eliciting delighted giggles.

Tears pricked the backs of CJ’s eyes. Josh and Sam looked over, grinning at the moment, and were stunned by the depths of longing in her eyes. Her father studied her too, speculating on Abbey’s secret father that CJ had never revealed.

CJ watched Toby’s moment with his daughter for another second, then slipped from the room.

 

~

 

Toby cradled the small body against his, feeling the same connection he had in the first minutes after her birth, and smiled as she rubbed her hands against his beard. She was old enough that Sam and Josh were trying to convince her to say their names, but when they got her to say Toby, he was only sad, because it should have been Dada.

In the 12 months since he’d seen CJ, Toby had raised his own babies, two fine little boys, and barely spoken to their mother. The prospect of 18 years at least of the same terrified him, but the boys were worth it. Yet holding Abbey made him wonder. If he had to abandon some of his children- why not-? But he had already made his choice.

 

~

 

Sam and Josh took one of the rental cars back to the hotel, leaving CJ and Toby alone with the sleeping Abbey.

Closing her baby’s door behind her, CJ faced Toby for the first time all evening. "You know, it took her eight months to sleep through the night?"

"I didn’t." Toby looked stricken.

"You can’t come here anymore." It was blunt, but they were both in too much pain.

"She’s my daughter, CJ-"

"She’s not." He crumbled. "I- We can’t do that to her. She doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken. And neither do I." CJ trailed off into a whisper.

Toby leaned forward to kiss her, one last goodbye, but CJ rocked back, away from him.

"Goodbye," he said. She nodded, and he left.

She watched him, through the window, driving away, then suddenly sobbed, uncontrollably, sinking to the ground against the wall beyond which her baby slept, heedless of the noise, for a love she would never know again.

 

 

It was three more years before CJ saw any of them, at Sam’s inauguration. Walking through the hallways to her old office the day before he took his new one, CJ was dismayed to realize that most of the people coming in with Sam were new, and her old friends among the staff were leaving or gone. She wandered into the briefing room and then out, pausing in the doorway. The last time she’d left this room, it had been to run away, but it should have been today. She wouldn’t have stayed on with Sam if she’d had to choose between him and Toby, not after eight years apart. This would have been their moment, when she would walk out of the Room for the last time and into his arms, strong and real around her at last. Staring through space and time into another life she might have lived, CJ saw Josh only when he stopped in front of her.

"Hey," he said softly. Her face had grown more expressive since she’d stopped having to hide her feelings from the press, and he could see in her eyes that even what had faded from her heart was still a pin that stuck her unexpectedly when she returned to the familiarity of the White House.

"Hey," she replied. Josh hugged her hard, as he had when they’d last stood there together, and for the moment it could be enough.

From the end of the hall, Toby stared without expression at CJ and Josh, then turned and left with his head down.

 

~

 

At the inauguration the next day, CJ was surprised how comfortable she still felt in the political world, as long as Toby avoided her. She was also surprised at how happy she was, how little she ached to see the triumphs of her friends’ careers that excluded her. Mallory stood beside Sam as he gave his speech, and they looked for all the world like the Bartlets, eight years earlier: the husband relying on his wife, who supported him and was perhaps more world-wise than he. CJ had missed Sam’s wedding as well as Josh’s, but so had the rest of their circle, for he and Mal had eloped after the plans became too complex.

At the front of the crowd, CJ could also see Josh and Amy, Chief of Staff and Toby’s Deputy Communications Director, a seemingly perfect political couple now that they were on the same side. It briefly saddened her to wonder if she and Toby could have been like that, but she dismissed the thought, dwelling rather on his words that Sam was speaking. CJ smiled at the thought that here was another President who’d try to rewrite Toby’s speeches.

 

 

It was that year that Mommy first sent Abbey off to preschool, and thankfully returned to the world of advertising, to reinforce the withering savings that were stretching to cover the expenses of herself, her child and her father. Two years later, CJ began to date again, a few men here and there, and then one of her clients, Jeremy Benden, who loved her and Abbey, and whom she married in the year that Abbey was seven. A year later, when her father died, the family of three moved into a new house, and made a new life.

In all of this, CJ never heard from Toby.

 

~

 

Even so, she could see in tall, dark-haired Abbey signs of the man she had loved so deeply. Barely able to speak of him, she knew Abbey’s curiosity was largely unfulfilled by the rare and vague references her mother gave. "Your father was Jewish," once, passing a synagogue, or "Your father played basketball, too," when ten year old Abbey wanted to take up the sport. Another time, amidst hysterical laughter as Abbey grew increasingly frustrated over a report on the stock market, "Your father never understood any of that either." And so they made a life.

 

 

Dayton, Ohio

June 6, 2021

 

CJ smiled down at her daughter as she blew the candles out and the room went dark. "Honey, I’m so proud of you."

"That I survived my 18 years here?" Abbey quipped.

"Well, that too..." Jeremy flicked the lights on and grinned at her. CJ’s hair was gray and she was beginning to look older despite her towering height that so few women of her generation possessed. Standing next to her mother, Abbey was the only one of her friends who was glad to say she was an inch shorter than her mom. She was still tall, with her mother’s face and her father’s dark hair, and CJ thanked God sometimes she was not forced to see Toby every time she looked at her daughter.

"Aw, Dad. Hug Mom before she cries." Abbey smiled back at the man who had been the only father she’d known, for the last ten years of her life.

"I think she’d rather you hug her, sweetie."

"I am here, you know," CJ muttered.

"You do sound tearful, Claudia," Jeremy teased. She glared at him over Abbey’s head and he grinned wider. "C’mon, Abs, you and your Mom have to go make that reservation. We’ll have the cake when you get back. Happy birthday!"

"You’re not coming, Dad?" Abbey asked in surprise.

"Nah, you and your Mom have some things to discuss. But don’t forget to call me for cake!" He left the room.

"Alright, sweetie, let’s go," said CJ, grabbing her sweater from her chair and her keys from the table by the door. "Your birthday feast awaits."

"Mom, what do we have to talk about?" Abbey was nothing if not her mother’s suspicious daughter.

"I’ll tell you when we get there babe, let’s go."

 

~~~

 

The June breeze blew past them as CJ and Abbey entered the restaurant. They were quickly seated in the dining room, and CJ ordered drinks and dinner through Abbey’s protests to be told whatever she was to be told. At last the waitress departed.

CJ gazed at her child, the lovely young woman whose big eyes watched her so trustingly now, uncertain of how to go about revealing secrets that hadn’t been spoken of since Abbey’s birth.

"What’s up Mom?" Abbey finally probed. ‘Now or never’ CJ sighed mentally, and began.

"Your father has respected my wishes since you were a baby, but he asked a few months ago if I would tell you about him when you turned eighteen, and I thought it was only fair."

"He’s alive?" Abbey looked stunned.

"Of course."

"It’s just- you never said..."

"I’m sorry," CJ murmured, "I just. Couldn’t."

"Why not?" ‘Oh, the hard questions’, CJ thought.

"I knew your father from when I worked in politics." Abbey nodded. There was much she didn’t know about her mother’s life, but stories of politics and the White House had been shared with her by the Bartlets and Lymans and Seaborns since her childhood.

"We were very close when we were young, not much older than you, but then I left and he got married. By the time he was in my life again, he was in the middle of a insemination problems and then a divorce. And we were both moving into the West Wing. We thought as soon as we left office, we could be together, but- but it wasn’t to be." CJ was still saddened by the memory, and stopped, even as Abbey’s eyes begged for more of the story.

"His ex-wife had continued to try to get pregnant, and once he found out she was, they remarried. But before that, the night we all found out, he and I had to face that we’d never be able to love each other the way we did, and rather than face it right away, we..." CJ struggled with the best words to use, "we took our last chance to express our love before it couldn’t be anymore." She looked carefully at her daughter, to make sure she understood.

"And you got me?"

"Yeah."

"So he’d marry the other woman, and not you?" Abbey was angry on her mother’s behalf, and CJ’s jaw tightened as she remembered similar arguments she’d made to herself.

"They were married before I found out, and pregnant with twins-"

"I have siblings?" Abbey was startled.

"Yes...I hadn’t even really thought about that. I can show you pictures... anyway, I had no idea what to do, and neither did he. You can thank Aunt Abbey you’re even alive. Although I can’t imagine what would have happened if..." CJ shook her head at how much she had nearly given up. Abbey’s eyes were wide in surprise.

"And Grandpa was sick, so I sort of ran away from Washington, and raised you here with that excuse." She waited for Abbey to be able to vocalize her questions.

"What’s his name?" the girl asked.

"Whose?" CJ asked, not having expected such a question and then realizing she had never named Abbey’s father.

"Toby. Tobias Zachary Ziegler."

"Yes." The two women turned as one to look at the man standing just behind CJ’s chair, Abbey to examine the stranger before her and CJ to stare, shocked, at a Toby who was different and yet exactly the same.

"How-" she started.

"Jeremy told me where," he said softly, his eyes flickering between CJ and his daughter. Abbey’s eyes were wide with barely restrained questions, many of which were answered when CJ rose and Toby hugged her tightly against him.

CJ was surprised to find that despite how right this felt, holding Toby didn’t hurt.

Toby closed his eyes and allowed himself to dream of the time and place where this was allowed. But it was too far distant now, and whatever dreams he’d indulged in when life with Andi got tough, they were gone, and he was startled to find that he was just glad to be holding someone he’d cared for as a friend and lover for many years.

They parted, a peace resting between them that had never been there before, as if their relationship had been maturing without either of them during the intervening years, like a fine wine.

Abbey’s eyes upon them drew them apart. Toby turned to face her.

"You’re lovely," he said with a smile, then to CJ, "you did do a good job."

"Thank you," Abbey whispered. She didn’t know how to feel; it didn’t seem that he’d betrayed them willingly or that she had any basis on which to be angry with this man who was her father, yet neither could she address him as a daughter with any sort of emotional connection. "Will you join us for dinner?" she asked, glancing at her mother to be sure it was alright. CJ nodded, her eyes full of tears simply at the moment and not at what it might have been. Toby pulled up a chair and sat, and they were together.


End file.
